Recently, I’ve had the honour of reading these three wonderful posts on marriage between a Christian husband and his submissive Christian wife. Some parts had me laughing, some parts had me rolling my eyes so hard that they almost got lost in the back of my head, and during other parts I wanted to cry.
You really only have to read one to get a good feel of this man’s overall advice, but I was feeling spunky and curious so I kept on going until my brain was ready to burst with “Wait a minute…” and “That doesn’t make any sense”.
This man clearly considers men and women to be mere animals in his dating and marriage beliefs. He feels as though a man must be capable of providing for his wife before he gets to own one. A man is not expected to have much control over his sexual urges, but it is up to the woman to refuse men before marriage and cater to her man’s sexual appetite after marriage. If she doesn’t put out enough, he’s got so little control over his desires that he’ll be forced to look elsewhere and the blame will be on his wife.
I understand the cow analogy isn’t actually his; “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” and in his own words “You don’t pay for the milk when you own the cow” but it is perfect..
When does a cow give milk? When you’re thirsty? When you tell her to? No. A cow’s milk has everything to do with reproduction. Her body is not biologically designed to squirt you with her creamy goodness whenever you crave it.
Yes, yes, I know, I’ve taken it and twisted it. We’re obviously not talking about milking cows, we’re talking about sex…while assuming humans are basically animals. So let’s look at it from a different stance. Why do animals have sex? Most animals have sex just to reproduce. If a male tries to have sex with a female before her body is ready to become pregnant she will reject him…sometimes violently. Even with species where a man’s found a female partner to be with for life, she only allows him to have sex with her to reproduce. After a baby’s born, she doesn’t even put out at all until she’s ready to have another baby.
Maybe your problem is that in reducing a woman to being nothing more than an animal, she’s acting like one. Maybe she only wants to have sex with you when she’s ovulating and her body is ready to become pregnant. Her body will naturally become prepared for sex during this time and her hormones will make her want to reproduce no matter how she actually feels about you…so you’ll have that going for you.
You’re probably just expecting too much sex. You’ll be much more satisfied if you only expect to have sex while she’s ovulating until she’s pregnant…then not at all while she’s pregnant or breastfeeding. I wouldn’t go expecting to have sex after she’s done bearing children and can no longer psychologically handle raising children, or after he body’s too old to carry a child. So…um…get that in during her fertile time while she’s young; because if she’s not enjoying it, and it’s not for reproduction…why would she do it? .
One of the things that catches my eye is that to this man, the reason we become married is so that we can have sex with a person. Really? I find that to be very sad…I couldn’t imagine living in such a loveless marriage.
I’m sure we all understand that dating and marriage have changed a lot over the years. A man can choose a woman based on so much more than her physical appearance, his “bride price” and her father’s blessings. He can meet her, talk to her, and learn how to love her before he promises his life to her. I mean really love her…he can adore her laugh, desire to make her happy, and admire her strengths while wishing to hold her and help her through her weaknesses.
And a woman can…choose! She can take the time to fall in love with you. She can learn to love your quirks, appreciate the sparkle in your eyes when you’re truly happy and she can admire you before she dedicates her life to you.
That my friend, is a beautiful thing. I can’t imagine what dating would be to you in this day and age, but I can’t help but feel it’s more like an awkward, entitled business arrangement rather than an attempt to find a compatible partner to share your life with. As if you find the first person who turns you on physically and you marry them…out of expectation or guilt, and try to force love and sex into the mix. I’m sure if I trudged through more of your advice I’d find out how a couple should date…but in all honesty, I’ve spent all the time I’m comfortable with in your world already and I find it sad.
Another thing I’ve noticed in your writings is that you seem to be under the belief that women generally don’t enjoy sex. I can see how that would have been your experience.
I suppose if I had to be in a loveless marriage with little to no choice of my own and left to feel as though I’d be suffering for an eternity if I tried to find a way out of my living misery, it would become a chore and an unpleasant thing to do. I would find it more disgusting than cleaning up dog poop, or making a grimy, limp doll from the sludgy hair that gets caught in the bathtub drains.
Is with permission (so you don’t have to feel guilty or she can’t legally say “rape”) but against her wishes (grudgingly), and clearly without enjoyment on her behalf the absolute best you want for the woman you’ve dedicated your life to?
Those poor wives.
If you want a marriage where the man is the head of the household and the wife is submissive, that’s fine. Just do it properly. You are the reason people automatically think “controlling” and “abusive” when someone discusses the submissive wife.
The part you seem to skip over in all of your writings is that the man has a great responsibility to see to the best interest of the wife and children. It ends up being a beautiful, intense relationship when done right. It requires a great amount of trust.
Let’s take a look at the mother – child relationship for a moment. I expect my children to listen to me when I tell them something, without argument or questioning me…but that is only if I’m looking out for their best interest. In other words, I expect them to listen to me when I say “Don’t run out in front of the cars” but I wouldn’t expect them to listen to me if I’m telling them to take the casserole dish out of the hot oven with their bare hands. If I am unable to take proper care of my children, I lose my right to raise them.
Likewise, you lose your rights to have a submissive wife if you fail to meet her needs. At no point in your ramblings do I get the sense that your woman’s emotional needs are being met. If she’s asking for help with dishes before she’s willing to have sex with you, she’s feeling stressed out and overwhelmed and asking for you to help remove a small portion of that stress so she can have a moment of enjoyment with you. If her emotional needs are being met and you’re being respectful of her, she will have a sex drive. Period.
I can’t help but wonder; You’ve mentioned that her body becomes yours and your body becomes hers…does that mean if she desires sex can she demand you come home from work to please her? Can she pull you away from friends when they’re over and talking with you? Can she drag you away from tv/hockey/football/(show or game of choice) because she’s feeling aroused and she’s decided she wants her property in the bedroom? It would be your responsibility to give in to your wife. You could take a rain-check and cash in on that at the soonest possible moment, but that would be the exception, not the norm.
I’m actually deeply saddened that you would find this a reasonable excuse for divorce. I really am. To me, marriage is for better or for worse, until death do us part. The love I offer is without conditions. I won’t leave him because I’m not sexually satisfied, I’ll work on fixing the parts of the relationship that led to the difficulties of coming together sexually. I’ll continue to love him no matter what mistakes he ends up making and I know he’ll do the same for me.
And yes, he “earns” things from me every day and I do my best to prove myself to him. I try to make an effort to “earn” his love and respect every single day. Some days I’m not as good at it as on other days, but I’m only human after all. I didn’t sign onto this relationship I’m in to just put in effort in the early days and slack off for the rest of my life. His love is something I strive for every day.
In truth, you don’t buy the cow. You don’t own the cow. The cow doesn’t squirt you because you’re thirsty. You love the woman, you marry the woman, you take care of the woman’s needs, she takes care of yours. You respect your woman and earn her respect in return. You are a partnership, not possessions.
But what do I know? After all, I’m in a relationship where we love each other through our faults, respect each other, support each other, we work through our difficulties and we’re not even married. We’re just “playing house” and doing a better job of it than you seem to be.