The Finish Line

I am running.

I have been running so long my legs feel like rubber and my body aches.  My lungs gasp less than satisfying gulps of air almost as if I’m in a panic.

I am running from myself.  I am running from my past.  Dashing past my fears, dodging my insecurities and bolting away from memories.  I am running from pain, I am running from my future and I am running from you.

All the while I am running to catch up with my mind.

I cannot see where I am going.  I’ve but a faint memory of where I’m from and no concept of where I am now.  Demons bolt wildly over me, beside me and between my legs.  Twisted black creatures dancing to the shriek of misery.  They’ve always been there, biting me, clawing me, wearing me down.  They always will be, no matter how far I go; Like wading through an endless ocean of bloodthirsty vampires.

I’m not alone.  The shrieks and terrified yelps of others as they weaken and fall reach everyone; an unending chorus of agony.  From time to time one will rush out of the darkness and right past you only to fade again back into their own demons.Finish line

I have this incredible longing to join the fallen, and lay at rest in a much needed slumber.  I have seen them fall, I have heard the cries, felt the panic, and I have seen the revolting mess left by the demons who headed off in search of another tattered soul.

I’ve tried to help them, and felt them melting away between my fingers and down my arm.  I have smelled the vile stench of the failure.  I have seen the desperate pleading eyes…

…I too, felt their peace when at last they laid still.  Their demons quiet at last.  Their past, present and future no longer in existence.  Their thoughts put to rest.  The war was over.  Maybe they lost, but it was done and they didn’t have to fight anymore.

I long to give into the pain that will bring me eternal peace, the only way I could truly escape myself, but I don’t.

I have tried to slow down but I can’t.  Something keeps me going even when I’m on the verge of collapsing from exhaustion, my legs still won’t let me stop.  My lungs won’t burst although I’m half hoping that they finally will.

Maybe I want to see the end, see where the running will lead.  Perhaps to the shelter my heart yearns for.  Perhaps the answers to the questions deep inside…Maybe, just maybe, it’s worth this agony and exhaustion.  Perhaps I will embrace peace again someday at the finish line.

2006

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